Cheers To You!

I'd love to say a few words to this fantastic couple here, Narcissus and his wonderful bride Selfish Fuck. A story before we have a toast to the man of the hour! We have known each other for about ten years, but I was stuck under an official dating status for eight years. Oh goodness, for fucks sake, here we go. I can honestly say during all that time, I got to know him well. He's a handsome guy, a comedian, charming….. frankly, he could probably stare at his reflection for days. But you know, he can be a generous man who keeps giving. I always think about how our paths crossed at a young adult age; everything was great initially, but eventually, things were just way beyond their expiration date.

Here's some humor to this story. Has he shared about all the times he dumped me, only to come running and chasing to get me back shortly after? I know! I know! Funny guy! He does this thing where he makes me feel awesome, the only beautiful woman in the world that he desires. He comes in romanticizing me, promising me all these changes, how stupid he was for leaving. He will work hard to make this work because he is so stupid in love with me. Wow, now THAT can make any woman feel good!

He had some hard times, though. He lost his only sibling; later, he lost friends, and the list continues. I planned on ending the relationship until he called me after a week of silence to tell me his brother had passed. I should have left; I should have gone instead of feeling sorry for him, protecting his feelings instead of mine. I carried him emotionally and mentally during those times. Hell, I held both of us through those times! I remember having a lot of grief over my multiple losses, too. It was hard, but I still carried both of us. I’m not sure why I did that. It was lonely. Who would have thought grief had so many depths to it? Man, I can drink to those times.

Narcissus is an intelligent guy; he can get what he wants. You know, he knew my weaknesses. He would take his time, pushing until I would get tired and give in to what he wanted. It's like when someone makes you feel okay in being you, but then eventually keeps projecting and confusing to the point that you’re like, damn, I’m fucking tired; have it your way. Sometimes, I would feel loved for exactly how I am, but over time, I realized that maybe only two sides of me were loveable, and the rest needed to be corrected, molded…caged.

I’m an easy-going gal. I’m flexible, forgiving, and give many chances. Shit, I made being with me so easy. I don’t think I make things more complicated for others. But did you all know that this stupid fuck still couldn’t get it right?! (Laughter). I mean, forget all the times I asked for the bare minimum and how I stunted my growth to give him time to grow up with me into a big boy. But in the end, this fuck face couldn’t get it right.

(Laughs) Oh oh! Let me tell you the times he took me to a jewelry store! Twice! To pick out my own engagement ring set. I remember liking the ones that reminded me of a small cluster of flowers. I love flowers. I felt so bad that I wanted a set that was around $3,000. But when I look back on it now, I realize that’s cheap. But! As I said, I’m easygoing. I don’t need a lot to be happy. This fuck face promised marriage to me, and I wanted to believe him. I tried. Let us take a moment to give a toast an applause for the amazing girl that dealt with this. That felt like this was all she could get, for she deserved better than that. I love you, honey! I promise to take way better care of you! Muah! Kisses!

This one time, I broke up with him, and he chased me for two years. I went on dates with other men and had fun, but he always lurked in the background. To make a long story short, he kept pushing and got what he wanted. God damn it, I took him back! (Sigh) You think you killed all the flies, but that one always gets away. And it keeps nagging you! I felt tired, lost, and defeated.

So, this is where the story gets into a real twist. I was doing my big girl stuff like working full-time and grad school full-time, even having no days off to finish things. He was working on his little boy stuff, like going from job to job, never keeping one, and doing his aspiring actor shit. Listen, everyone, this pretty boy is going to be famous! He even called on the day of my birthday to tell me he lost his job. Happy Fucking Birthday to Me! He could have waited at least the next day. Anyway, I’m doing my big girl stuff, and eventually, things changed; I got diagnosed with a chronic disease and always felt tired. I honestly, to this day, don’t know how I got through it. I mean, especially carrying the both of us on top of it, right?

And now it gets good here. We both knew things were getting stale, sour, and even maybe unhappy at the time. The sex life was going down the drain. I wasn’t what I used to be, younger, not many responsibilities, and the adventure of being so new and open to sex. Sex was like being a porn star, and I was the star! Smile for the camera, honey! Baby, you are a star! Yeah, a star…..But over time, it felt empty and disconnected, and I felt like something was wrong with me and something more profound was missing. We tried to figure things out, but it wasn’t what I wanted for myself at the end of the day. I was working hard and hoping this aspiring actor would hit big or get a big-boy job so we could finally get married and settle down. Maybe that is what I needed. But that never came.

I know everyone; this is a long speech. But I can tell you are all entertained. We are getting close to the final! My aunt, who I love very much, was dying. She had a rare cancer, and when I found out about the affected organs, I knew she wouldn’t make it. I must thank my time studying to be a nurse to prepare me for the facts and not have a hopeful outlook that she will be okay. I had a coming to Jesus moment with my family that we needed to see her immediately after having a dream of her, knowing she would pass soon. We all drove to NY non-stop. I helped take care of her for a few days. I never thought I would be helping her bathe, get dressed, and advocate for her in that short time. Meanwhile, Narcissus and I were on the verge of breaking up, asking for “space,” not determining the rules. Are we seeing other people?  Fuck, I don’t know. He wouldn’t fuckin tell me, said it wasn’t my business to know. My aunt died on a Friday morning, and he dumped me for the final time on a Tuesday. These were the most challenging moments of my life, and despite the tension, I needed someone to carry me through my mental and emotional anguish. But with no surprise, that didn’t happen. For all of you here, you can always count on him for failure.

There was a lot of reason for him to leave me. But the biggest takeaway was that I didn’t satisfy him sexually anymore. I was given many chances to see doctors, read literature, and even push into initiating my inexperienced queerness to meet his desires and fantasies. This is my queerness, not his, and I felt it was only for me to experience, not him.  I felt so broken. I felt my body, my sex, was broken. That there was something wrong with my sex. I’m a poor lover, and others will think the same of me in the future. Once again, things have ended, and I am left picking up the pieces of myself.

To end this speech, I want to conclude with a toast in Narcissus’ honor! May the universe hand you a trophy of recognition for being a vulture. For all the times you tore me down to pieces and came feasting on me afterward. May the universe hand you an Emmy and recognition for being a philanthropist. Donating all your toxic male patriarchy to my sexuality and who knows who else in your path. May the universe give you the Best Academy Award for your performance for breaking me for the final time, leaving me to pick up my goddamn pieces and carry myself out.

A toast to the groom, Narcissus, and your selfish shit self.

Cheers to 10 years of knowing you!

Cheers to 8 years of being stuck in bullshit with you!

Cheers to you, dipshit!